Things have been going so well with my mother. We have become friends and have things were just going well. But that is because things were going well in my life. The minute things fall apart, which is a common occurrence in my life, she can't handle it. And it hurts. I don't dump things on her anymore. I have tried so hard to make our relationship better and I can't.
I lost my job on July 25th. My family and Wes's family have been supportive and helpful. They did say their peace about me getting fired, but then they moved on too "how can we help?" We came up with plans and back up plans. Everyone was on board and though it was not an ideal situation, everyone was okay.
Then we found out that my unemployment was denied, which is what all of our plans were based on. I informed my mother of it this morning. We lost connection and I was not able to get ahold of her again. She called me a bit ago and just was rude, disrespectful, and God-awful. I was told that I need to grow-up, I'm a screw-up. I asked her to not yell at me, that it wasn't helpful. She kept going, she didn't care. She had to have her say. Which means she needed to yell at me and go off on me. I just couldn't take it. I know I screwed up. People don't get fired unless they do something wrong. I know that. So does everyone else. No one is denying that I messed up. We know. But we can we do about it now?
She was just awful. Awful. Cold. Heartless. I mentioned that the time for this would have been back in July when we first found out that I was fired, not a month later. Her response was "I didn't say anything to you in July". She thinks that because she held her tongue then, that she can go off on me now. That she has that right.
I called my father, the minute I heard his voice I started crying, hysterically. Poor Man. He reminded me that they love me. That my mother doesn't handle stress well, she goes off on people. He reminded me that they are there for me and will help us. They just need to know our plan, which wes and I obviously need to go over again. He did want me to learn from this experience and grow from it. He just wants me to prove to mom that I am not a screw-up. To get up and dust myself off and move on and show that I am not a fuck-up. My dad and I struggle at times with our relationship...but when I need that man he is always there for me. He told me what I needed to hear-I did make a mistake, I do need to grow from this experience. However, he reassured me that I am loved and that they will be there to help me. He also gave me advice, get up and move on and prove myself.
I get it. I just know that I will always be considered a screw-up to my mother. I will never make her happy. And I wish I could. I wish that I could be what she wants in a daughter. One that would make her happy and fulfill this dream she has. But I can't.
I am not a screw-up. I make mistakes, yes, but that doesn't mean I am a mistake. It means that I am human. Humans can't grow unless they make mistakes and learn from them and move on. She has never lived a day in my shoes. She has no idea what I go through, my thoughts, my feelings. Nothing. She doesn't understand not being able to pay bills and being poor. She doesn't understand having debt and budgeting.
My feelings were hurt again. And I cried. And I felt sorry for myself. But as my Dad said, I can't sit around and have a pity party. I need to keep moving.
I wish she would walk by me in this, but I have learned that I can't count on that. I need to count on myself, and more importantly God.
