Letter to Self

Last night was my final night with my counselor, Katie. I am going to be transferred to another one as soon as they get back from break. It was hard. I really liked Katie and we really bonded while working together.

We were reviewing the things we had talked about over the weeks, improvements that had been made....aspects of my life that I still wanted to improve, my goals. At one point we were talking about wes and our relationship. It was brought up, and I don't remember how, that I was such a different person when Wes and I first got together. I mentioned that I don't even know who that person was anymore, and started referring to her in 3rd person. I knew it was weird and that Katie picked up on it, but for some reason I couldn't put her and I in the same category...me. She just didn't seem real, she was so foreign to me. It was hard to even talk about her. I had no idea where any of that came from, but all this emotion came out.

Katie asked me to write a letter to my self...this person I was at 21. She wants me to do 5 things in this letter...
1. Describe her, inside and out
2. Describe all she has taught me
3. Tell her what I have to teach her
4. Things I miss about her
5. Say Goodbye.

After each point, I was getting more and more emotional...I was holding back tears. I was fighting to keep these emotions incheck.

I don't acknowledge this person that I was because it is to painful. It is painful to remember her. To remember her love of life, her spontaneity, her passion, her laugh. She is so painful to remember that I don't even associate her with me anymore. I don't consider her to have ever been a part of me. Yet, I am terrified of saying goodbye to her. I think that I don't acknowledge her, but I don't let go of her because I use her as an excuse. An excuse to mope, to be bitter, to resent, to regret. And if I say goodbye to her than I am going to have nothing to focus all those things on, I'll have to let them go as well.

I will have to accept the truth, that this not the way I want to live my life...and that I have to change. And then I will have to change. I will have to work. I will have to push through the pain and the view of myself that I have for so long, and I will have to break those walls down. I will have to accept responsibility for my life.

katie said some really great things...she said that we get to choose what we take with us when moving between the different phases of life. I get to choose what I want to take with me as I am entering into this new phase. Do I want to take the bitterness, the resentment, the anger, the anxiety, the depression...or do I want to take what I have learned in my past and move optimistically into my future?

She also called me out, again, on my view of myself. I know that I have problems, but I have associated so many of them to the idea that I am lazy. I am weak. She wants me to reframe things she wants me to view myself differently. I have been fighting against that since the first session with her. Why? I don't know. No one wants to view themselves so negatively. Once again i think I use it as an excuse, and easy excuse. I told katie last night that I want there to be so much more than this to my life. She responded with, "If you could let this go (my negative self-image), I wonder who you could be?

Who could I be? Who could I be if I broke down those walls? Who would I be if let go of my bitterness, my resentment? Who would I be as I go into this next phase of my life?

Who could I be if I write this letter? If I say Goodbye?

Wishing

I wish I could write...I have always wanted to be an author. I have so many ideas for books and the desire to share those stories with the world. However, something I don't really have is talent. And you kinda need that to be a GOOD author. I guess I could write horrible books that would end up for free on kindle....but there wouldn't be any satisfaction in that...I want to write and make a living off of it.... I wish that I had the time and the peace of mind to sit down and apply myself to my writing. I have gotten books from the library about writing and am learning. I can help myself a little that way. I have a journal where I keep my ideas of stories and work on them occasionally. However, there is not enough time in my day where I am alone to actually work... Someday though, dang it, I am going to start and finish a story. It might not be published anywhere, it might completely suck...but I will accomplish it.

Arizona

I recently read through my older posts. I had to take a step back when I read the one entitled "Sorrow". I had forgotten really how hurt I had been over my relationship with my mother. Things are a little different now and I thought I should probably update this thing...just in case someone actually reads it! :) My husband, son, and I just spent a week in Arizona with my parents. We actually had a really good time with them. My dad pulled his normal temper tantrums, shocked wes as he has not really experienced them before...but that is normal for my father(he gets angry a lot). But my the real shocker was my mother. We got a long really well. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am not calling her all the time, I am not complaining to her. My therapist brought up, weeks ago, that my mother and I are really close-but since we are very different people it has almost hurt our relationship. My mother and I are much closer now than we have been in years, but more of a healthy relationship. I am not saying things are perfect or that old wounds are healed...it is just different. Better. My mother noticed how stressed I am, she noticed my anxiety...she suggested I get put on medicine. She was concerned that I was going to go off the deep end. And yes, there are times I feel that way as well. I think that my bouts of depression got much worse with the birth of my son. Which sounds awful, but it actually has nothing to do with him. Just the changes in our bodies and the hormones, it is crazy how crazy I feel now that I am a mother! I don't think I really need something for depression really....more something for my anxiety-it is almost crippling at times. When the panic sets in I forget everything I have ever learned in my life. My mind goes completely blank. It was so bad one evening that my mother gave me half of a xanax. I know it is illegal, technically...but my family was really concerned about me. The effect it had me last like two days! I was calm...calmer...I could process things a little easier and didn't freak out at the slightest change to my day. I didn't get angry as quickly. Now, I am not saying this is a magic fix. I need to stay up on my therapy and work through a lot of things...but it might be a helpful tool...a way to help regulate me a little so that I can acutally work on my issues...I will talk with my doctor about it and with my therapist. Anyway, enough about my mind. Wes and I loved Tucson, we are actually considering moving there in the future. Hopefully in the next few years we will be able too....