I am not a screw-up...

Things have been going so well with my mother. We have become friends and have things were just going well. But that is because things were going well in my life. The minute things fall apart, which is a common occurrence in my life, she can't handle it. And it hurts. I don't dump things on her anymore. I have tried so hard to make our relationship better and I can't.

I lost my job on July 25th. My family and Wes's family have been supportive and helpful. They did say their peace about me getting fired, but then they moved on too "how can we help?" We came up with plans and back up plans. Everyone was on board and though it was not an ideal situation, everyone was okay.

Then we found out that my unemployment was denied, which is what all of our plans were based on. I informed my mother of it this morning. We lost connection and I was not able to get ahold of her again. She called me a bit ago and just was rude, disrespectful, and God-awful. I was told that I need to grow-up, I'm a screw-up. I asked her to not yell at me, that it wasn't helpful. She kept going, she didn't care. She had to have her say. Which means she needed to yell at me and go off on me. I just couldn't take it. I know I screwed up. People don't get fired unless they do something wrong. I know that. So does everyone else. No one is denying that I messed up. We know. But we can we do about it now?

She was just awful. Awful. Cold. Heartless. I mentioned that the time for this would have been back in July when we first found out that I was fired, not a month later. Her response was "I didn't say anything to you in July". She thinks that because she held her tongue then, that she can go off on me now. That she has that right.

I called my father, the minute I heard his voice I started crying, hysterically. Poor Man. He reminded me that they love me. That my mother doesn't handle stress well, she goes off on people. He reminded me that they are there for me and will help us. They just need to know our plan, which wes and I obviously need to go over again. He did want me to learn from this experience and grow from it. He just wants me to prove to mom that I am not a screw-up. To get up and dust myself off and move on and show that I am not a fuck-up. My dad and I struggle at times with our relationship...but when I need that man he is always there for me. He told me what I needed to hear-I did make a mistake, I do need to grow from this experience. However, he reassured me that I am loved and that they will be there to help me. He also gave me advice, get up and move on and prove myself.

I get it. I just know that I will always be considered a screw-up to my mother. I will never make her happy. And I wish I could. I wish that I could be what she wants in a daughter. One that would make her happy and fulfill this dream she has. But I can't.

I am not a screw-up. I make mistakes, yes, but that doesn't mean I am a mistake. It means that I am human. Humans can't grow unless they make mistakes and learn from them and move on. She has never lived a day in my shoes. She has no idea what I go through, my thoughts, my feelings. Nothing. She doesn't understand not being able to pay bills and being poor. She doesn't understand having debt and budgeting.

My feelings were hurt again. And I cried. And I felt sorry for myself. But as my Dad said, I can't sit around and have a pity party. I need to keep moving.

I wish she would walk by me in this, but I have learned that I can't count on that. I need to count on myself, and more importantly God.

What If?

I read the blog of one of my friends, and I was so jealous. She has the job I always wanted, working in Student Services at a College....and she is making plans for her future......possibly considering the Peace Corps.......

I wanted to join the Peace Corps since I was in high school....but I got married and had a baby...and can no longer do those things. I mean, I could I guess...but that is not something my husband is really interested in doing...and with Willie's healthy problems, I don't think moving to a 3rd world country is the best idea...

But I miss being like that. I miss being optimistic about my future, I miss having the world as an open book before me...just waiting for me to explore its pages....

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my son and I would not trade them for anything....or any experience.

But, still, I wonder at times....what if?

Last night was the 4th class for the Dave Ramsey thing...and I am getting excited...like there is actually might be light at the end of the tunnel excited. There are some great ideas floating around, and it is scary to get out of debit...it is hard work and it is going to be frustrating and we are going to have to give up a lot...but only for a short while...in 3-4 years, we could be debit FREE!!! SAY WHAT?????????????

Still haven't written that letter to myself....

I haven't been able to get into see a new therapist...scheduling issues and then she sounds so...young....I miss Katie...a lot. I wish I had money so I could go see her. Maybe that is something we can work out in the next year or so. I feel lost though, we were making such progress, and it was challenging me. I have really tried to get in to see the new therapist, hopefully that is something we can get done...soon.

The letter to myself scares me. It will take time, deep thoughts, and opening myself up to a whole lot of emotions that I have been working so hard at keeping down. I don't want to feel those things. I am scared of what will come of it....if I acknowledge these things, what will happen? Obviously I know the world will not stop turning, but I will change. And I am scared of what I will do after I change. What decisions will I be forced to make? I don't know if this is something I can do...

Dave Ramsey

Tomorrow is our first class in the Financial Peace University....I have thought about this for a long time...and I have a few friends who have done this, and they all have reported that it works wonders. The big thing was getting Wes on board...my husband hates things like this, actually I think he hates admitting that we suck at budgetting and that we do not make good decisions. I know that our parents have ridden us so much and have pointed out numerous times that they don't think to highly of us when it comes to money...they mean well, however every kid wants to show their parents that they are wrong!!! SO that is why we are not telling our parents we are doing this! hahahha our little bit of rebellion....

I am excited and nervous. I am excited about working on our debt and budget in a smarter way. I am excited about learning how to budget instead of leaving everything up to wes. However, I am extremely nervous about making the change, because I don't do well with making changes. I don't do well because I never stick to them. For this to work for us, we need to stick to it and work hard it.

I will let you know how it goes....

and no, I have not written the letter to myself....

Letter to Self

Last night was my final night with my counselor, Katie. I am going to be transferred to another one as soon as they get back from break. It was hard. I really liked Katie and we really bonded while working together.

We were reviewing the things we had talked about over the weeks, improvements that had been made....aspects of my life that I still wanted to improve, my goals. At one point we were talking about wes and our relationship. It was brought up, and I don't remember how, that I was such a different person when Wes and I first got together. I mentioned that I don't even know who that person was anymore, and started referring to her in 3rd person. I knew it was weird and that Katie picked up on it, but for some reason I couldn't put her and I in the same category...me. She just didn't seem real, she was so foreign to me. It was hard to even talk about her. I had no idea where any of that came from, but all this emotion came out.

Katie asked me to write a letter to my self...this person I was at 21. She wants me to do 5 things in this letter...
1. Describe her, inside and out
2. Describe all she has taught me
3. Tell her what I have to teach her
4. Things I miss about her
5. Say Goodbye.

After each point, I was getting more and more emotional...I was holding back tears. I was fighting to keep these emotions incheck.

I don't acknowledge this person that I was because it is to painful. It is painful to remember her. To remember her love of life, her spontaneity, her passion, her laugh. She is so painful to remember that I don't even associate her with me anymore. I don't consider her to have ever been a part of me. Yet, I am terrified of saying goodbye to her. I think that I don't acknowledge her, but I don't let go of her because I use her as an excuse. An excuse to mope, to be bitter, to resent, to regret. And if I say goodbye to her than I am going to have nothing to focus all those things on, I'll have to let them go as well.

I will have to accept the truth, that this not the way I want to live my life...and that I have to change. And then I will have to change. I will have to work. I will have to push through the pain and the view of myself that I have for so long, and I will have to break those walls down. I will have to accept responsibility for my life.

katie said some really great things...she said that we get to choose what we take with us when moving between the different phases of life. I get to choose what I want to take with me as I am entering into this new phase. Do I want to take the bitterness, the resentment, the anger, the anxiety, the depression...or do I want to take what I have learned in my past and move optimistically into my future?

She also called me out, again, on my view of myself. I know that I have problems, but I have associated so many of them to the idea that I am lazy. I am weak. She wants me to reframe things she wants me to view myself differently. I have been fighting against that since the first session with her. Why? I don't know. No one wants to view themselves so negatively. Once again i think I use it as an excuse, and easy excuse. I told katie last night that I want there to be so much more than this to my life. She responded with, "If you could let this go (my negative self-image), I wonder who you could be?

Who could I be? Who could I be if I broke down those walls? Who would I be if let go of my bitterness, my resentment? Who would I be as I go into this next phase of my life?

Who could I be if I write this letter? If I say Goodbye?

Wishing

I wish I could write...I have always wanted to be an author. I have so many ideas for books and the desire to share those stories with the world. However, something I don't really have is talent. And you kinda need that to be a GOOD author. I guess I could write horrible books that would end up for free on kindle....but there wouldn't be any satisfaction in that...I want to write and make a living off of it.... I wish that I had the time and the peace of mind to sit down and apply myself to my writing. I have gotten books from the library about writing and am learning. I can help myself a little that way. I have a journal where I keep my ideas of stories and work on them occasionally. However, there is not enough time in my day where I am alone to actually work... Someday though, dang it, I am going to start and finish a story. It might not be published anywhere, it might completely suck...but I will accomplish it.

Arizona

I recently read through my older posts. I had to take a step back when I read the one entitled "Sorrow". I had forgotten really how hurt I had been over my relationship with my mother. Things are a little different now and I thought I should probably update this thing...just in case someone actually reads it! :) My husband, son, and I just spent a week in Arizona with my parents. We actually had a really good time with them. My dad pulled his normal temper tantrums, shocked wes as he has not really experienced them before...but that is normal for my father(he gets angry a lot). But my the real shocker was my mother. We got a long really well. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am not calling her all the time, I am not complaining to her. My therapist brought up, weeks ago, that my mother and I are really close-but since we are very different people it has almost hurt our relationship. My mother and I are much closer now than we have been in years, but more of a healthy relationship. I am not saying things are perfect or that old wounds are healed...it is just different. Better. My mother noticed how stressed I am, she noticed my anxiety...she suggested I get put on medicine. She was concerned that I was going to go off the deep end. And yes, there are times I feel that way as well. I think that my bouts of depression got much worse with the birth of my son. Which sounds awful, but it actually has nothing to do with him. Just the changes in our bodies and the hormones, it is crazy how crazy I feel now that I am a mother! I don't think I really need something for depression really....more something for my anxiety-it is almost crippling at times. When the panic sets in I forget everything I have ever learned in my life. My mind goes completely blank. It was so bad one evening that my mother gave me half of a xanax. I know it is illegal, technically...but my family was really concerned about me. The effect it had me last like two days! I was calm...calmer...I could process things a little easier and didn't freak out at the slightest change to my day. I didn't get angry as quickly. Now, I am not saying this is a magic fix. I need to stay up on my therapy and work through a lot of things...but it might be a helpful tool...a way to help regulate me a little so that I can acutally work on my issues...I will talk with my doctor about it and with my therapist. Anyway, enough about my mind. Wes and I loved Tucson, we are actually considering moving there in the future. Hopefully in the next few years we will be able too....