I didn't realize that letting go was going to be so hard.

My son has been sick this week with an ear infection and has been staying with my in-laws. Tuesday night I was really feeling lonely without him. I felt as though I was missing a huge piece of my heart. My husband tried to help, but I just wanted my baby boy. I wanted to be the one to hold him and rock him to sleep. As his mother, I should be the one taking care of him when he is sick. I had a lot of emotions going on...

As I was tearing up, I thought to myself "Self, you should call you mommy! She'll make you feel better!."

And then I remembered...no, she won't. I.lost.it.

I started bawling right there in the middle of my living room floor, to the complete dismay of my husband...who had no idea what to do. I was so.....sad. I felt so lost and so alone. The one person who would understand and tell me that everything was going to be better, hates me. That realization made me feel small. It made me feel scared. It hurt.

My husband tried to comfort me, but I didn't want to be held or soothed. So he then got frustrated with me and started yelling at me. I ran upstairs and laid down. My hubby came up and held me and let me cry. Poor thing, he is such a fixer...and when he can't fix something he feels so lost and doesn't know what to do. I know he didn't yell at me because he was upset that I was crying. I know that it is because he livid at my mother and knows he can't say anything to her about it. He doesn't know what to do in a situation like this.

I got all the tears out...and there were lots of them. My husband held me for over a half hour while I just laid there wallowing in my misery. I then feel asleep. I slept all night because my body was so worn out from the crying. I awoke the next day and things didn't seem so bad.

I am still sad and I still hurt over what is going on with my mother. However, I think that I tried to cut the chord without dealing with the emotions. Now, however, I have dealt with them. I have let them come and just experienced them. I didn't try to hide them or push them away. I didn't try to pretend they didn't exist. I let them come. I let them overwhelm me. I let them take over. And now they are gone. I needed to acknowledge them and just....be with them.

I feel better. I feel...more at peace. I feel as if the wild waters inside of me have been stilled. The wind has died down and all is still....