Sorrow

I told myself that I was not going to make this blog into a drama-filled woe-is-me journal. However, I need to write this. I am going to write it, process it, and then be done with it.

I called my mother yesterday to let her know that Willie has been sick. To share with her my heartache at having to leave him with my in-laws as his daycare won't let him come back until his fever goes away. My mother seemed quite cold and distant, however this is not new for my mother-she perfected the idea of tough-love. I jokingly said to her, "MOM! I don't want the tough-love mom, I want the mom that is going to tell me everything is going to be alright!" Little did I know that that sentence was going to be the catalyst for...breaking me.

"Why should I be nice to you Karri when you are never nice to me? You crush me. You didn't call me on Christmas, what kid doesn't call their parents on Christmas? I never treated my mother the way you treat me. I hope to God that William doesn't turn out like you! I hope he never treats you the way you have treated me..."

I did forget to call my mother on Christmas. That is pretty awful I know. I, for many years, have suffered from depression. Sometimes it is worse than others. Christmas day was a very hard day for me. I was not with family, Willie and I were home alone as Wes was at work. I was depressed. I spent the day giving all of my energy to my son. Is that an excuse, I guess not. I apologized to my mother the next day, we discussed it, I thought it was over.

I know that I have been a disappointment to my mother, she has made that very clear over the years. I don't dress girly, I don't do my makeup, I don't act like a lady, I am not responsible enough, I am lazy, I don't care about anyone but myself. To be honest my mother has been hurt by things I have said and things I have not done, I know. I know that I lack a lot of things. I know I am not perfect. I also know that my mother suffers from depression. I know that she is miserable in her life and has, for most of my life, taken it out on me. She put all of her energy into making me what she wanted for herself, but never got. I was never skinny enough, I was never ____________ fill in the blank. I have accepted this years ago. I have worked on forgiving her and moving on. I know her faults as I know mine, and I do not blame her in anger anymore. I do blame her for issues that I have, but they are my issues now and I am the one who needs to fix them.

I am just surprised time and time again by the things she says to me. She wonders why I have such low self esteem. She always told me how I was never good at anything, I was never good enough. I was feed that message everyday of my life!! I was on diet pills in elementary school, weight watchers by the time I was 12, she would yell at me about what I ate, take food away from me, tell people to not let me eat, etc. "You would be so pretty if you were only skinny Karri" "Life would be so easy if you were skinny karri." I was raised to believe that if you are skinny, pretty, and rich enough life would be perfect.

I have fought against that my whole life, I hate boxes. I hate being told what to do, how to look, how to dress. I truly believe that is why I ate so much, it was my way to piss her off. The only way I could really upset her. Throw it in her face that she will not control me. Of course now I am the one paying for that, not her.

We have this sick relationship. I love her and I know she loves me, but she has to control me. She has to tell me what to do and when I do something she doesn't like I get all this guilt and blame put on me. I am treated like dirt. I didn't marry who she thought I should, I didn't go to school for what she thought I should, I had a child when she thought I shouldn't, I live where she doesn't want me too. Because of all her baggage and crap, I have grown up with guilt trips and her putting all that on me instead of dealing with her own issues. it has taken me years to realize that I am not the one she hates, it is herself. Her life.

I have never been as crushed as I was yesterday. She has never hurt me like that before. And she has done a really good job of making me feel like shit everyday of my life.

I know that I have a lot of faults, and I know that I am not perfect. And God knows there are things about my personality that I hope my son doesn't pick up-and I am working hard on changing those things so he doesn't have to witness them. But to be told that you hope my son doesn't turn out like me, that took the last pit of self-esteem I had and crushed it, it is like she took a knife and stabbed the very last bit of my soul.

I have taken all of her issues on to myself and have spent numerous hours in therapy because of it...when she needs to be the one in therapy. She needs help. It is time that I realized this. Time I realized that she is unhappy, she hates her life...and I can not let that effect me. I can not take it to heart. I need to distance myself from all that baggage all that hate until I get my life together, till I get my issues under control. I need to find peace, love, and understanding...and I can't do that with her baggage on my shoulders. I need to let it go.

I need to let her go...

because if I don't, I'll never heal. I'll never recover. I'll never break this sick cycle...I'll never move on.

I need to break the chain..

Consider it broken....